Saving My Own Life

I emailed Sophia from the Montreal airport. I found myself there, not knowing how I got there or even where I was.

I had woken up on a bend a few hours earlier. I went through my texts to try and make sense of where I was.

I saw that I had sent some texts to my partner and sister that didn’t make sense. I realized I was supposed to have flown home to Saint John that day and missed my flight. Then, I remembered that the night before, I had used cocaine and speed in an attempt to write a grant before having to travel home.

I had lost my bag, but luckily not my passport. Having to message my distraught partner about what happened was humiliating. But they responded with care because now they knew what kind of trouble I was in.

I remember my therapist telling me about Sophia the summer before this incident. I was reluctant to call because I am a fem non-binary person, and I didn’t know if this place was for me. After receiving Sam’s message of support, I made the decision to visit right after I landed home.

When I arrived at Sophia, I was received with the most compassion and love. Sam introduced me to Mary, an absolute angel with whom I would have peer-counseling sessions.  I told Mary and Sam that I had been using for the past 15 years, that I was a PhD student, and that I needed drugs to be productive and better at school, to get things done faster, and to feel confident.

I had never told anyone with such honesty what was going on with me. I thought that it wasn’t worth living till the following year.

Mary got me involved with the SMART group therapy that Sophia provided. With Mary and this group, I am learning about the power of community, how to deal with discomfort, how to refrain from and dispute irrational thoughts and beliefs, how to identify triggers, and how to identify my values. With Sophia's support, I am learning how to live an authentic life through trust, hope, and creativity.

Since being involved with Sophia, I have learned how to make plans and ask for support from my family and friends. I have successfully traveled to Mexico City for a research project without using. I have graduated from being a PhD student to a PhD candidate. I have seen my writing take on new forms and have felt proud of it. I have had thoughts about who I might be one year from today.

Sophia is teaching me how to save my own life.

I would be lost without the community that I have found here. They have accepted me with all my flaws and even embraced my gender difference. I am eternally grateful for what they have done for me, and I know that I wouldn’t be who I am today without Sophia's staff, volunteers, groups, and friends.

- H.