Opioids and Other Drugs
[Warning: discussions of interpersonal abuse and suicide in this section.]
“I went through kind of a rough time – my father was in the hospital; it wasn’t too long after my mom had passed. It was really stressful. There was COVID and I had just gotten a new job. I think my identity was almost wrapped up in [my job] a little bit so when everything shut down for COVID I was so anxious. I was isolated.”
“I lived by myself, and I was taking Ativan from my doctor. That got out of hand pretty quick. I had been sober for 10 years before that. I was in a bit of denial about how bad it was. I don’t think I properly dealt with that relapse, or the reasons why that happened… Just because something isn’t alcohol, or isn’t a substance I struggled with before, it doesn’t mean it can’t become a problem.”
“I started smoking weed and cigarettes probably around 11 or 12 [years old]. It was just curiosity for the most part, and then it just became a bad habit… Other drugs came into it in my teens: ecstasy, acid and stuff like that. But it wasn’t until my early 20s that I got on opioids. I started dating a guy who was already addicted to Percocets and he introduced me to it.”
“I got addicted to them very quickly. It was horrible. When your relationship is based on drugs, you just fight constantly. It’s very toxic. A lot of stuff I kept hidden at first. When I was really deep in addiction, I couldn’t work. I couldn’t hold down a job, because addiction was my main focus. Relationships were really hard to hold on to, because it was more about getting high than keeping a relationship going. It went from Percocet to Dilaudid not long after. I was sniffing initially and then another ex-boyfriend introduced me to Dilaudid through the needle. It became a very bad addiction very quickly.”
“Once I hit high school it was a totally different ballgame, because I was no longer being bullied and I was like a new person. I got introduced to drugs. That’s when my story with addiction started. I was in grade nine… I was using ecstasy, or molly. I was a very shy person – and they were like, “here, take this – this is gonna make you totally different. All of those things inside that you’ve been hiding are gonna be able to come out.” I was like, “sure.” And yeah, it was completely true.”
“It all started when I was talking to somebody on my Facebook – wow, that’s taking it way back. And I was probably talking like I was over the age that I was, and I met up with somebody. He wasn’t the greatest of the guys. He actually ended up abusing me that day, and he dropped me back off where we met with a bag of ecstasy. That’s who explained it to me – he was like, “don’t worry this is gonna make you feel better – all that stuff you’re guilty and hiding from will come out.” I cried on my way home – but when I popped one of those in my mouth, I didn’t feel what I felt. I didn’t feel guilty or ashamed of what I had just done.”
“Back in 2017, my partner and I split up. I am adopted, and I was holding on to this hope of getting our nuclear family back at some point. That hope was dashed with us moving to different cities: he stayed in Fredericton, I came back down to Quispamsis. I started my nursing career down here. He started dating other people, and I wasn’t ready for him giving up on us. I went into a really deep, dark depression. It felt like either I was going to die, or something else.”
“What I sought was numbing – a way to not feel the feelings. I remembered being prescribed Percocet when I was younger as pain medication. I used it properly, and as any good nurse does they keep the extras just in case they need it for later. So I started taking a pill at night, just so that I could go to sleep because at night the rat race is going constantly: all the things that you could’ve done, should’ve done, all the guilt and shame.”
“It felt like a sleeping pill – like putting on a life jacket when I was drowning. Little did I know, the lifejacket was full of rocks. After a while the effects of it wore off, and I was waking up with the same feelings of depression, loss and suicide ideation, then the shame of using. But I could only think, “if I don’t do this, I am going to kill myself.” I think in the moment the only option that I saw because of the blinders of depression and anxiety was a way out, suicide. I knew that my son could not live without a mother. He was already living without a father. So it felt like a protective factor, something that was good for me.”
“I started to get these feelings of withdrawal afterwards. After my morning pill, I would start to feel some icky withdrawal feelings: nausea, sweating, anxiety and depression would come back tenfold. So I started looking for ways to get more. Initially I went through the black market and ordered stuff online. Then there would be times where things wouldn’t come in the mail, and I was going through even worse withdrawal, and it was really easy as a registered nurse to have access to drugs.”
“I worked on 3C North which is the surgical unit [at the hospital]. Opiates are our drug of choice up there; they’re used all the time [for our patients]. I was stealing from work basically but rationalizing it: a patient would get a partial dose of something, and I would take the remainder. I rationalized each and every step of the way. That’s what addiction does: it allows you to make things that are outside your normal morals and values acceptable, because it’s protecting itself.”
“It progressed really rapidly. I used from the summer of 2017 until January 2018. In six months, it went from oral, to IV (intravenous). I thought I was saving money, I thought it was being responsible. I had access to clean needles. I had access to all the paraphernalia. But I was using at work and making excuses of why I would be stuck in the bathroom, trying to find a vein, or why I was super sweaty or nauseous at work. I said I was going to a G.I. appointment because my gastrointestinal system was all messed up [from the substance use]. I was doing everything that I could to possibly find my drug of choice.”
“It slowly evolved into this massive addiction to opiates and all the people at work were starting to catch on with the little things, my little lies. They were starting to put in reports, and thank God, because I could not stop on my own. I remember being in my basement shooting up a drug that was non-injectable and seeing the veins turn red, my arm swell up, my throat swell up. I had 911 on the phone ready to go but I couldn’t press the number because I was so ashamed to ask for help. I would rather be found dead overdosed.”
“My colleagues did me the biggest service I could ever ask for in my life and reported me. My recovery started with going through Ridgewood [Addiction Services], getting a counselor, and getting on the list for rehab. After about two months of being in recovery, I found out about Sophia.”
“I went to a psychiatrist because I thought it was like free therapy. She was like, what do you want? Should I prescribe you something? I was like, can I get Ativan? So she prescribed me that. I thought she’s just going give me 30, but then there were like a year’s worth. I was so happy.”
“Then a year later, I asked her to double the dose. So I had two full Ativan tablets a day I was mixing with drinking – I could feel the dependency taking over. I felt like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz – Ativan and alcohol was my oil. When I went without it, I could feel the withdrawal setting in. I tried to quit over a Christmas holiday but I had a seizure and ended up in the hospital.”