I had a job that involved a lot of schmoozing with bigwigs in Toronto and Montreal. It was a party every single night somewhere, and the parties had open bars.

Then, the company I was working for went under. It was devastating. There was no party for me to go to anymore, but I was still looking for it every night.

So I went to a psychiatrist. She was like, “what do you want? Should I prescribe you something?” I was like, “can I get Ativan?” I thought she was just going to give me 30 or something, but then she gave me like a year’s worth.

I was so happy. Happy enough that a year later, I asked her to double the dose.

So I was taking two Ativan tablets a day, and I was mixing that with drinking. I felt like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz - Ativan and alcohol were my oil. Without it, I could feel the withdrawal setting in.

I tried to quit over a Christmas holiday. I ended up having a seizure and was sent to the hospital, in a detox ward. It was a really weird time. A lot of the people there were headed to prison, and in rehab trying to lessen their sentence. There was only one day where they got the women to do their own group away from the men, which was all of our favorite day. We could talk without worrying about what any of the men would think.

I got sober, but relapsed  seven months later on mouthwash. I was at the gym, having a bad day - and I was like, “I hate this.” I just swallowed the mouthwash. It hit me immediately. I disassociated from who I was for a minute, and I was like, “well, maybe this is the only thing that makes me happy.” Just zonk out, black out, not care. But days went by, and I was like, “is this really what I’m going to do? Or am I going to regain control?”

I went to AA, and eventually for a variety of reasons I moved back home to New Brunswick.

Even though I loved being home, I relapsed again when I got here. I didn’t have my own life. I was also around my family who normalized drinking. That’s when I got into going to Sophia.

I looked forward to it every week. The AA meetings I was used to were a bunch of older men, and I had stuff to share that I just knew would be uncomfortable - they wouldn’t relate to it, and might even judge it.

When you need support, you need people who understand what you’ve been through. In the Sophia group, we chatted throughout the week. We’d go out to eat together. That was really good for me, to have that outlet here. Eventually two women in my family who quit drinking even came with me.

Finding those people in my family, and my community has made this journey a lot easier. It helped me build my own life here, in all kinds of ways.